Your nets can only hope to contain him.

The rest of this post has a distinct lack of Conor Casey. Somewhat because I can’t stand the “let’s kick it at the big guy’s head and see if it goes in” soccer, partly because nobody in the history of MLS can remember a notable game involving Colorado. They’re a very beige team. Which probably means he’ll score a hat trick in the last 4 minutes of the MLS Cup Final when down 2-0 with two men sent off. And cure Taylor Twellman’s concussions.

Moving swiftly onward. My predictions from before the playoffs started:

RSL over FCD
COL over CLB
LAG over SEA

Three outta four, baby. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than I did in 11th grade chemistry. The only game I missed was RSL/Dallas, which is just further proof that I’m terrible predicting anything having to do with Robbie Findley. Who seems to think that being useless in the World Cup is somehow worthy of a move to Europe. Have fun in the Allsvenskan, buddy. But I digress. This post is about people who don’t choke in the MLS Cup playoffs.*

And Landon Donovan.

The playoffs isn’t about who’s the best team, it’s about who’s hot right now. That’s why San Jose, who play the 8-Convey-Wando** formation, beat the Red Bulls and are going to beat Colorado, whose main threat is about as mobile as the Rockies. Of course, it helps to have the best team and be the hot club. Which is why I’m taking the Galaxy to win it all. Going out on a limb, I know. But the Galaxy have the most dangerous trio since Caesar, Pompey and Crassus, and it only takes one Beckham set piece, one Donovan counter-attack, or one of whatever Buddle does before he scores, and the Gals have their hands on the trophy named after their petty cash drawer.

“And what of Dallas?” you ask, being the kind of perceptive, intelligent reader that leaves insightful and constructive comments and doesn’t pick on Jason’s spelling and grammar. To which I respond “Dallas are a solid team built on a decent defense backed up by great goalkeeping.” And for that reason exactly, I hope they lose miserably. Nobody wants a boring champion. Especially one that plays its home games in front of 80 people. Nothing against the Burn or either of its fans, who I’m sure are lovely, if misguided, people, but that’s a terrible advertisement for the league.

As is the team in the biggest media market and home of three DPs going out to the lowest-seeded team in the playoffs in front of their own fans on national television (Suck it, North Jersey). We don’t need a final not involving LA.***

*Yes, I’m aware he won it all last year and scored a substitute goal against Dallas, but it’s worth the suspension of reality for a moment just to shoehorn in this upcoming dig at Landon. Sorry for ruining the punchline, by the way.

**Joke adapted from an original quip from my buddy Mark Dunfee (@SoBBolton on twitter). He’s kind of an ass, but occasionally funny. There, you have credit. Happy?

***This is a fake footnote. Consider it a DVD extra. In that spirit, here’s some commentary: This post was written around midnight, while I was craving a sandwich. Preferably tuna. I listened to the albums Pinkerton by Weezer and Is This It by The Strokes while I was writing.
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