Due to my influential contacts with important movers and shakers in MLS (Danny Mwanga is my facebook friend, and I once gave directions to Ridge Mahoney of SoccerAmerica.) I've been able to get an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at the rough draft of the collective bargaining agreement between MLS. Much of it is corporate/financial doublespeak, but I've gleaned the interesting particulars out of it, for your reading pleasure.




Per the new agreement:

The Kansas City Wizards will cease all operations, except for Jimmy Conrad's twitter account.

To boost the league's minimum salary, all developmental players will be given seminars on selling Herbalife and Amway products.

The "Keller Scholarship" will be introduced, to help the development of folically-challenged soccer players.

To bring in non-traditional soccer demographics, Simon Cowell will be hired to do color commentary on all nationally-televised matches. Beckham and Ljungberg must be shirtless at all times, and Taylor Hicks gets a contract with San Jose.

To balance things out, Taylor Twellman will be a host on American Idol.

This year, we change from Fútbol to Futbol. Next year, Futbal. Gotta ease these throwball fans into it. They can be a bit slow sometimes.

The RBNY manager's office needs a new chalkboard on the door. The old one is worn out.

The new "Alexi Lalas Show" consists of said ginger in a maintenance closet with a handycam, a Dell mini, and a picture John Harkes's face pasted on a mop handle. (It'll still be better than anything Steven Cohen does. - KH)

Bruce Arena will be brought to and from his technical area on a golden throne, which gets its own Designated Player exemption.

Alan Gordon has to pay a dollar every time he makes a dick joke.

Generation Adidas players no longer have to mow Don Garber's lawn, wash his dishes, or pick his kids up from school.

Any press releases concerning the rivalry between Columbus and Toronto must include a reference to West Side Story.