Scene: I'm seated in a press conference in the back yard of the Kljestan family house. There's about 25 reporters waiting, because Sacha is apparently going to announce some big news. Sacha's mother comes up to the podium that's been set up.

MRS. KLJESTAN: Thanks for coming everyone, Gordon will be out here soon. You want some cookies? I made cookies for all of you.

STEVE GOFF: Wait, Gordon?

MRS. KLJESTAN: Yes, it's my Gordon's press conference today.

Collective groans from assembled media. Most get up to leave. IVES GALARCEP throws a cookie on the ground and stomps on it. Soon, the only people left are MATCH FIT RESERVE and MLS RUMORS, who is peeking over the neighbor's fence.

GORDON KLJESTAN: Thanks to both of you for coming today. I'll try and keep this short. It's a difficult decision, but one I'm taking for the sake of my club career. From now on, I am removing myself from consideration for future United States National Team squads. This wasn't a decision I make lightly, but I can't afford any distractions at this stage in my career. I'd like to thank Bob Bradley for his time, my parents for raising me, my brother for getting me into clubs, and the picture of Jamie Lee I keep in my sock drawer.

MATCH FIT RESERVE: Well that was a waste of time.

MLS RUMORS: Are you gonna report on this? Cause if you don't, we can call it an exclusive.

TAYLOR TWELLMAN comes running from inside the house. He's carrying half a sandwich, a glass of tang, and one of MRS. KLJESTAN'S cookies.

TWELLMAN: Wait, I want to retire from the national team, too!

MFR: Well, at least he had something approaching an international career.

TWELLMAN: Don't hate. I hit 100 MLS goals faster than Landon. (sticks fingers in ears) LALALALALALALA WE WON SUPERLIGA, BRUCE ARENA IS A HUGE DOUCHEMELON LALALALALA

GIUSEPPE ROSSI: I'm retiring from the US national team too.

MFR: That doesn't make any sense, you don't even play for the USA. And where the hell did you come from?

ROSSI: I was catching some rays by the pool. So fresh.

JONATHAN BORNSTEIN hops the fence and comes over.

MFR: Bornstein's retiring too? Yes!

BORNSTEIN: Haha, nope. Just wanted to say how much I'm looking forward to playing in the 2014 World Cup.

MFR: Dammit.

PAT ONSTAD climbs out of the Kljestan's pool and walks over to the podium.

ONSTAD: It's with a heavy heart that I have also decided to retire from the US National Team.

MFR: You're Canadian.

ONSTAD: I was beginning to feel left out.

STEVE CHERUNDOLO walks out the back door, looking slightly confused.

MFR: Steve, are you also retiring from international duty?

CHERUNDOLO: What? No. I'm here to pick up my Dave Matthews Band CD from Sacha, then I'm visitng my family near Chicago for the weekend. I'm not quitting the National Team. Now where are the cookies I was told about?

MLSR: Sweet. Cherundolo to the Fire.
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