Handicapping the TPL

Thursday, October 01, 2009 | View Comments

Jason "Vegas" Gatties here, world renowned fake sports handicapper and 300 pounds of fun. Break open your piggy banks people cause you can bank on my TPL picks. The TPL field is wide open this season and anyone can literally win. But I got the inside scoop. You want the winner? You got it footsie fans. Or is it footy? No matter.

Before we get to the contenders, let's start with the pretenders. Popular Houston heart throb Stuart Holden is a 3000/1 shot. The hell you say? Look, Stuart will never be taken seriously, the boy is too good looking! The moment I gaze into his puppy dog eyes, I get lost in a world all of my my own. Imagine me and Stu, I do, I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the boy you love and hold him tight. So happy together!!! Arrrgh stop, I'm a man!...I'm 34...I love women, I can't support Stu's TPL ambitions.

Taylor Twellman??? What the hell is he going to "tweet" about, Steve Nicol's breath while sitting next to him on the bench? Danny Cruz...more like Danny Who.

I got 5 contenders and 1 dark horse. Are you ready? Bump it...


#5 Freddy Adu (@freddyadu11) 11/1

He teases transfers that don't happen until the 11th hour, he stays positive despite spending more time on the pine than wood tarnish and he once dated pop sensation Jo Jo.

#4 Brian Ching (@brianching) 8/1

Anyone who can get fined for tweeting has a great shot at winning the TPL. But the odds he will complain about a ref via twitter again? Around 10 gillion/1. Still, the old man has quality, both on and off the pitch.

#3 Giuseppe Rossi (@giuro22) 5/1

He's Italian, yet American. Charming yet heart breaking (see Confed Cup). He's a mystery wrapped inside an enigma, tucked inside a cannoli.

#2 Jozy Altidore (@JozyAltidore17) 3/1

Ever have a rotten day? The best prescription is to read Jozy's tweets. He's butterflies & rainbows man, always positive.

# 1 Maurice Edu (@mauriceedu) 2/1

Why is "Mo" #1? Not just because he gives us quality tweets, but mainly because we once discussed "Meatball Hot Pockets" on twitter. Jozy never talked about Hot Pockets with me, hell, Jim Gaffigan has never talked Hot Pockets with me. Someone said the TPL is Mo's to lose. So true. Who said that? Doesn't matter.


Need to make some quick bucks? Take a chance and lay all your money on Edson Buddle (@edsonbuddle). He's a 65/1 shot but anyone who bribes the fans has a real shot at taking home a victory. Here's a stat for you, 3 out of his last 10 tweets have involved giving away free tickets. Don't sleep on Edson.

That's it folks. Enjoy the TPL while it lasts, Major League Soccer may try to ban players using twitter this time next season.
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