Keith says Sunil should splash the cash
Keith Hickey, who last contributed to MFUSA with a post arguing that USA 2022 makes too much sense for FIFA to pass up, returns with some suggested New Year's resolutions and advice for soccer's biggest names.
by Keith Hickey
If your family is anything like mine, then by now, you’ve disassembled the Festivus pole, packed away the ceremonial robes, and cleaned the virgin blood off of your sacrificial knives. Which means the next big event on the busy calendar this time of year is New Year’s Eve, and you’re already working on your solemn oath of renewal to present to the Council of Ultimate Truth, or, as the heathens destined for eternal disembowelment call them, New Year’s resolutions.
As an avid football fan, I’ve taken the liberty of dispensing some much-needed New Year’s advice for some of American and World football’s most prominent figures.
Bob Bradley: Be more stoic. These public displays of emotion are really undermining public confidence in you.
Cristiano Ronaldo: Lose Patrice Evra’s phone number. You’ve got a great thing going with Kaka now, don’t sabotage it.
Arsene Wenger: Buy Andrei Arshavin that racecar bed. He’s earned it.
Piotr Nowak: Win the MLS Cup, just to rub it in New York’s and Seattle’s faces.
Don Garber: Repeat after me: real grass and soccer-specific stadiums. Don’t make us beg.
Phil Brown: Buy a tanning bed. Premiership managers can do better than spray-on.
Sunil Gulati: Bribes for Warner, bribes for Platini, bribes for Blatter. Just get us a World Cup. And don’t let Julie Foudy know.
Fabio Capello: Call Michael Owen into every squad possible, put him on the bench for every match possible, and never, ever play him. Put Phil Neville up top if you have to.
Jose Mourinho: Sign with an English club. Refer to yourself in the third person. We miss you.
Clint Dempsey: Whatever you’re doing, teach Jozy. And grow out the beard.
Kaka: Stay fabulous.
Eric Wynalda: Sign with the Fire. We need interesting characters in MLS.
S’ralex Ferguson: Take Rio out back, and give him the Ole Yeller treatment.
Ryan Giggs: You’ve already won everything possible. Go back to Gallifrey. There’s a Time War going on.
Roy Hodgson: Put a fake mustache on Bobby Zamora, and don’t allow him within 200 yards of Fabio Capello or a telephone.
Roberto Mancini: The English press has already cast you as the villain, so have a giant skull carved into a volcano and hold training there. Your new bosses can afford it.
Carlo Ancelotti: You can start moving Guus Hiddink’s belongings into your office now to save time.
Pep Guardiola: Share some trophies. This isn’t Championship Manager.
Charlie Davies: Get better.
Happy 2010, everyone!
