Hey, look what we found in Jack Warner's trash...


This document has been created for the purpose of identifying and assisting the FIFA executive committee in addressing any and concerns that may have risen during the recent FIFA World Cup in South Africa. FIFA is committed to creating the most enjoyable and profitable experience possible for its sponsors, corporate partners, and executives. All concerns will be addressed issue by issue.

This memo may not be distributed to any person outside the FIFA executive committee for any reason whatsoever.

Issue 1:

Hundreds of Dutch fans missed the semifinal against Uruguay due to congestion at Durban’s King Shaka Airport.

Potential Solutions:

1. Compensate all fans who missed the match with the full price of their ticket and travel while issuing a formal apology.
2. Stage the World Cup in countries that have adequate infrastructure to handle the amount of people who will be attending.

We got paid for the tickets, didn’t we? Say we’ll look into it, do nothing of the sort.

Issue 2:

Numerous incorrect decisions made by referees and linesmen lessening enjoyment of the tournament for some fans.

Potential Solutions:

1. Institute rigorous training courses designed to improve good referees and weed out poor ones.
2. Adopt limited video technology to assist referees in difficult decisions.
3. Introduce additional officials on the goal lines.

More refs=more bribes that have to be paid. Improving the technology or the skill of the referees makes it harder to bribe them. Say technology “disrupts the spirit and flow of the game,” lean on broadcasters not to make a fuss.

Issue 3:

Empty seats in stadium look terrible on television.

Potential Solutions:

1. Make ticket prices affordable for the average local fan living in the host country.
2. Distribute unsold FIFA World Cup tickets to local youth teams.

Poor people look even worse on TV than empty seats. Hire seat warmers, like they do for awards shows.

Issue 4:

Broadcasters and viewers complaining that vuvuzelas drown out atmosphere created by fans supporting their team.

Potential Solutions:

1. Ban vuvuzelas from all stadiums.
2. Use technology to mute the vuvuzelas on TV, issue special vuvuzela-cancelling earplugs for fans at matches.

Recommendation: Can we stick a FIFA logo on it and sell it for 10 bucks? It’s not going anywhere.

Issue 5:

Fans and broadcasters upset with “medieval” tactics adopted by the Netherlands en route to FIFA World Cup Final.

Potential Solutions:
1. Inform referees that kicking other players in the chest are legitimate grounds for ejection.
2. Introduce a system that rewards teams for attacking play. Goals no longer matter directly, rather a panel of neutral (bribed) judges determines the winner based on attractive football.

Actually, we rather like that second option...
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