This could be me! I'm just a little older and whiter...

What could possibly break up a monotonous day better than receiving an email wherein you're given, in exchange for a nominal fee of course, the opportunity to go on trial with a professional club in England, Holland, Belgium, or France?

Nothing, that's what.

That's right - yours truly, who hasn't kicked a ball competitively in more years than I'd like to admit, was approached, via email, by someone claiming to be an agent with an amazing and life-changing opportunity. Pay a £350 registration fee, and I could be whisked to Europe with the chance to earn myself a 3-year contract as a professional player.

There are so many great aspects to this email that I hardly know where to begin. That being the case, I'm just going to reproduce the email here, and have at it.


Hello Player (You flatter me. Maybe in my single days...)

How are you doing today? (I'm okay. My bum knee is acting up...) Hope you are fine, I am [this dude's name], and a soccer scout based in United Kingdom I am currently recruiting players for clubs in England, and Germany soccer team. I saw your profile on soccer agent (Um...okay.) and I can see it will fit in to clubs in England and rest of Europe (Seriously? That's amazing considering I don't actually play professionally). I am now using this medium to ask you if you will be interested in a trial out in soccer clubs. (Sure, I could have some fun at a trial out in soccer clubs.)

If interested, Kindly forward to me your previous playing experience and your CV (resume) having a look at it and sending it to some clubs in European soccer league. (Hmm...this could be a problem.)

NOTE: ACCOMMODATION WILL BE TAKEN CARE OFF BY THE CLUB EXCEPT THE MEDICAL INSURANCE WHICH WILL COME ALONG WITH THE INVITATION LETTER, PLAYER'S REGISTRATION WILL BE BORED BY YOU.(ABOUT 350 British Pounds) (Is this a catch? £350 isn't too bad, but what about medical insurance? I'm guessing it won't be cheap.) THE TRIAL PERIOD IS FROM June 25th to July 25 2010. (You know you sent this too me on the 21st right?) You should understand that at present we have only.

1. Oldham Football Club (England).
2. Gent Fc of Belgium
3. Rbc Rosendha Fc of Holland
4. Olympique Marseille
5. Sparta Rotherdam
6. Barnsley FC (England).
7. Southend Fc (England).

(Okay, okay, okay, WHAT? Marseille? Wow! Wait. Are these names all a little weird?)

Send the CV and reply to: [this dude's email address]


(I looked. You're not there. Does that mean you're lying, confused, or just a shady bastard? If you're scamming me, why not use a name that's actually on the list?)

Entry requirements for interested players:

(1.) Players must be male and aged 17 to 28. (Oops. I wish I was 28 again.)
(2.) Players must hold a valid national passport; the passport must be valid for a minimum of three months. (Check!)
(3.) Players must pay a registration fee of 350 British Pounds per Each player. (Maybe I can take up a collection.)

N.B: Please note that this fee covers the player's registration and invitation letter along with medical Insurance only. Your travel tickets, hotel accommodation (all inclusive), trial kits, venue hire, match officials, and water/refreshment is funded by clubs sponsors and free for all registered players. (Sweet! Oh right, I'm too old.)

4. Scanned copies of international passport or national I.D Card data page and passport photograph should be scanned and sent through Email attachment for identification purposes including your CV. (Promise my picture won't end up on a dating site and it's a deal.)

5. Please know that this is only a trial program, it is in no way an assurance of a place in the team and each player will be judged by his skills, techniques and ability with the ball on the field of play by the coach and the entire technical department of the team. (Time to go pop in that tricks video.)

The player that impresses the coaches would be drafted to the reserve team and must sign a compulsory 3 years contract with the listed clubs. (Cha-ching.)

However, dropped players will be compensated and they will return to their home countries with their return tickets, we also don't want people to abuse this medium and use it as an opportunity. (God forbid anyone takes advantage of an opportunity.)

[this dude's name again]


Well, it doesn't look like I'll be going on trial this year. The period is over in three days, I don't meet the age requirements, and £350 is a little too rich for my blood. It's too bad too, because I really thought, suddenly, as soon as I read this email and despite never having considered it before because I'm not a footballer by any stretch of the imagination, that this might be my year to catch on somewhere.

Oh well. Maybe next year. And to think I could have been the real-life Santiago Muñez...

Alright, gotta go - some guy in Nigeria says there's a $3 million bank account with my name on it!

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