- Keith Hickey

Mid-morning, The Oval Office. It's grey and raining outside. A visibly tired President Obama is reading a file, only half paying attention. A secret service agent walks in, leading four other men. Three are dressed in suits. The third, a standard-issue USMNT warmup tracksuit. The President lays down the file and rubs his eyes wearily.

President Obama: Ah, the gentlemen from the soccer program. Mr. Gulati, Mr. Arena, Mr. Bocanegra, Mr. Bradley -

Bob Bradley: Call me Bob.

Obama: Yes, Bob. Good to see you all again. It's important that even as we secure our freedoms overseas, we must remember to enjoy the opportunities created by those freedoms. What will it be this time, another World Cup bid?

Sunil Gulati: Mr. President, we are, unfortunately, here on a more serious issue. Now that you've dealt with Osama Bin Laden, we must turn your attention to the perpetrator of the most heinous attack on American interests abroad in recent years.

Obama: You know the whereabouts of al-Zawahiri?

Carlos Bocanegra: Even better, Mr. President. We know where you can find Torsten Frings. He's in Bremen, Germany.

Obama: I've never heard of him. Who is he, some sort of Red Army Faction holdout?

Bruce Arena: No, Mr. President, even worse. In 2002, he handballed on the line against us in the World Cup and the ref didn't call it.

President Obama puts his hand to his face, remaining silent for almost half a minute.

Obama: So, this is a soccer grudge because you got a bad call one time?

Arena: If they had called it, we probably would have beaten Germany, and then we'd have had to play freaking Korea to make the Final. Can you imagine how cool that would have been?

Bradley: And we know exactly where he is. My boy Michael, who would be a great Secretary of State, by the way, played against him in Germany. All it would take is one tomahawk into the stadium, or maybe a SEAL team if you want to be sure of the kill-

Obama: I'm not invading a stadium full of civilians.

Gulati: They're only Germans, can't we just-

Obama: Get out of my office.

Gulati: Wait, how about this: We take Jurgen Klinnsman hostage and force him to coach the national team until they give us Frings.

Bradley: I am literally right here.

Obama: Security!

Bocanegra: Clinton would have done it.
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