And now, a few words from MFUSA's Super Fun Guide to the MLS CBA narrator:
Good day. Over the past few months, I have visited you in this space and attempted to provide a positive spin to the MLS collective bargaining process. The information was presented in the cheeriest possible manner, with an abundance of exclamation points, a solid dose of self-loathing (who wouldn't hate themselves, doing that job?), and an eye towards being as impartial as possible. Just the facts, in a Super Fun! format.
I thought I would be relieved when it finally came to an end. I thought the pain in my head would subside, my reliance on prescription drugs would disappear and the release would be liberating. Instead, I'm feeling a massive sense of loss over this sudden stealing of my life purpose. Who wants labor peace? Not me.
And so it is with with a heavy heart that I announce that the MLS Players Union and their rich, crusty old bosses have figured things out and have a new deal. Good for them, I suppose. I was very much looking forward to covering the strike in my Super Fun! style. Now I have no reason to the say "The players are striking! Signs on sticks and spirited chanting for everyone! And in a dozen languages so no one can understand you!"
Instead, let's do a quick review the stretch run to an agreement, in which the two sides heartlessly ripped away my raison d'etre:
A federal mediator with a sterling reputation was brought in to referee the situation.
Like a belt across the backside, Cohen stepped in to try and remind the two sides that if they didn't play nice, everyone was going to be grounded.
The players leaked a strike vote, at which point the owners had a fit and went all "disappointed father" on their employees.
What's worse than being unappreciated? Apparently nothing if you're a Major League Soccer investor. How dare they! Don't they know that my daddy saved this league?
A marathon negotiating session in Washington, DC forced the two sides together.
In between games Jenga and Balderdash, mediator guy Cohen coordinated the hammering out of small points in an effort to get movement on the big stuff. It was all very "rainy day at summer camp".
Suddenly, without warning and before anyone who might want to had time to get drunk enough to dull the effect, the two sides announced an agreement.
In what will go into the record books as the World's Most Disappointing Conference Call, and by a wide margin, Garber, Foose, Cohen and Donovan babbled about the new deal (while carefully avoiding details), and credited the others with getting the agreement done. So much so that "Get a room!" was yelled by at least fourteen people listening to the conference call via live streaming audio.
I suppose all there is left to do now is analyze the fallout. Did the players get what they wanted? Have the vestiges of bondage been cast asunder? Did the owners hold on to control? Can they return to their enormous money vaults to swim in their mountains of cash safe in the knowledge that MLS will forever be a bastion of financial ultra-conservatism?
You know what? I don't care. That's it for me. I'm done. Those bastards put me through hell, making me smile idiotically and speak in excited tones over something that was in reality so depressing it made my soul hurt. Do the people a favor and spin the CBA nonsense, and this is what I get? A Vicodin dependence and a liver the size of a chili pepper? This lump on my neck probably isn't filled with Skittles. Bah.
None of this was super fun. It was all super crappy. But good for you people, with your soccer league that won't be delayed. Have fun with that.
I'm off to find myself a BOTTLE OF WHISKEY! And maybe a DUMPSTER TO CRAWL INTO! I'm going to PASS OUT FOR THREE DAYS! And subject myself to BAD REALITY TELEVISION! WOO!
Bye then, you ungrateful wanks!
If you missed the other installments of the Super Fun! series, which are now completely and utterly irrelevant, you can do so via the links below. I'm off to schedule an intervention.
Part I: The Basics
Part II: The Demands
Part III: Legal Junk & Compliance Stuff
Part IV: Propaganda
