Congratulations on being made the president of a World Cup qualified Football Association! As the proud caretaker of an international soccer team, you'll immediately be treated with respect even though you deserve none, get flown around the world on FIFA junkets, and have the opportunity to bribe Jack Warner in person!*

Here are a few things to keep in mind while guiding your nation:

A host nation has never failed to qualify for the second round of a World Cup. In twelve of the eighteen World Cups, the host nation has qualified for the semi-finals (I'm counting Korea in 2002, even though Japan went out in the round of 16). A full third of the time, the host nation wins. Not very considerate to the guests, now it it?

No nation has ever won when employing a foreign manager. Still, whoever employs Guus Hiddink will probably go further than North Korea.

Each World Cup ball manufactured by Adidas is rounder than any other ball in history. Be prepared for the ball reaching a singularity of roundness, causing the Universe to unravel. Also, for goalkeepers to whine and complain like they've never seen a football before.

When England's current golden boy gets kicked out of the tournament for physically assaulting one of your players, remember, it's entirely your country's fault. An English player is a "passionate lad," but he's "not that kind of player." So whether it's a petulant kick or a petulant stomp, or a player is made into a national hero for weeping like a child after being yellow carded into suspension, the blame lies entirely with your "dodgy foreigners," who dive because they "don't like it up 'em".

In twelve of the eighteen World Cups that have been played, the team with the best goalkeeper in the tournament has advanced to the final. And only once since 1938 has the team with the best keeper failed to make the semifinals. Even great teams make mistakes, but the best have a goalkeeper who can save their skins. So fire up that cloning machine, and get to digging up Lev Yashin's corpse.

If drawn with England, or better yet, the Netherlands, play for penalties. By the time any English or Dutch player makes the walk to the penalty spot in a major tournament, he's about as mentally composed as a chronically shy agoraphobe in Times Square. On New Year's Eve. 1999.

Try to avoid the Germans. It's not that they're a good team, they're just dreadfully boring.

If your country fought a war against England in the previous half-millennium, be prepared for references to that war. Even Especially if they started it.

If you want your country to be taken seriously, you have to fall in with the right crowd of FIFA administrators. One popular game is to suggest a new rule to Michel Platini. Whoever gets him to announce the most ludicrous new regulation wins.

Don't eat Chuck Blazer's tuna sandwich. Things will get ugly.

*Offer not valid in Scotland.