The World Cup is a bust. So far, anyway, what with terrible games, ear-destroying horns, stadium chaos, few goals, poor play, half-empty stadiums, boring matches, and more. It's not South Africa's fault, but surely we must blame someone or something for the achingly underwhelming tournament so far.
Let's just make this easy: the disappointing World Cup is all the vuvuzela's fault. With the players on the field unable to communicate properly, passes have been wayward, scoring has been non-existent and the will to live has gone missing for those of us still watching. Yes, the plastic horn that is such a part of South African soccer culture after a decade of use (!) is the cause of every ill.
Or is it the Jabulani's fault? The travesty of a soccer ball, flying away from it target as if some tiny alien creature is strapped inside, pushing a booster button whenever he pleases, and at the most inopportune moments. Dipping and diving like a backyard wiffle ball, the Jabulani is giving keepers a bad name in South Africa - these goals aren't quality, they're comical.
But wait, what about the managers? Yes, it's the managers' fault. Playing it safe, unwilling to take chances and push forward with abandon, they're ruining the World Cup. Goals are at premium with so many of the tournaments coaches in sphincter-clenching mode, leading to unbelievably boring soccer.
The referees! Surely it's the referees' fault. It's always the referees' fault, right? No, there haven't been any truly egregious calls in this tournament yet, but it's still early. An offside here and there, a slightly questionable red card for Tim Cahill - thhere's enough there to make a case, because the referees are always terrible. It's a known fact.
No! This is ESPN's fault! The soccer gods are not happy that an American broadcaster is taking the World Cup seriously, with the massive staff in South Africa, the cultured British accents calling the games, and the millions of Yanks actually watching soccer. They are punishing us, wrathful and cruel, turning the tournament into the soccer equivalent of Ambien. Even the baseball gods are chuckling.
Altitude, grass/plastic mixes, Raymond Domenech, Pim Verbeek, Robert Green, wage strikes at stadiums, injuries to stars, diving, sewage mishaps, the Black Eyed Peas, Alexi Lalas, Kim Jong-Il, Jack Warner*, vuvuzelas (but this time the ones blown on the street, which is keeping the players awake, which makes them suck), Dutch girls' dresses, Canadian girlfriends...
At least we have the Germans. And Didier Drogba's cast.
And these guys.
*-If something's going wrong in the world of international soccer, Jack Warner is guaranteed to be involved. Just covering my bases.
