"I'm going to watch the national team," you say, full of patriotic fervor.
"Why?" they reply, "they'll never win a World Cup. I support England/Spain/Italy/Portugal/Brazil/etc. because my mother's cousin's ex-husband once worked there for two weeks."
or...
"Did you see the Revolution against DC United last night?" you query. "What a great game."
"MLS? Psshhh. It's crap football." they say dismissively. "I only follow the EPL/La Liga/Serie A."
If you, or someone you know, has ever had an encounter like those illustrated above, then you have first-hand experience with the nemesis of American soccer, the "Eurosnob". The following is a brief primer on this dangerous phenomenon.
The Eurosnob is an insidious creature, hell bent on discounting anything even remotely related to American soccer. They spit on MLS, laugh at the USMNT, and guffaw at the thought of Americans abroad. They often show no shame in announcing their ridiculous notions, and are known to voice their disdain idiotically on Internet message boards.
I hate them. Passionately. I hate them more passionately than I hate Raider fans, and I REALLY hate Raider fans.
Before we go any further, please allow me to give you little more detail on what exactly makes one a Eurosnob.
1. Eurosnobs are American. This means that they were born here (or abroad to American parents) and were raised here or came here at an early age. Ex-pats and resident aliens should not be considered Eurosnobs. No matter how long they have been in this country, it's tough to shake those roots, and allowances have to be made for coming from a footballing culture.
2. Eurosnobs REFUSE to watch or follow MLS. More often than not, Eurosnobs will claim this is because the quality of MLS play is inferior to European leagues: while this is undoubtedly (but hopefully not permanently) true, true soccer fans should support their domestic league. The long term success of the game in this country depends on this support. Shunning the league because they THINK they know what makes good football is no excuse. Note for the recovering Eurosnob- There is nothing requiring that you choose an MLS team to support, simply taking in the occasional game (live or on TV) and refraining from bad-mouthing the league is enough.
3. Eurosnobs often (but not always) support a national team OTHER than that of the United States of America. This one is my personal pet peeve. Remember, Eurosnobs are American by birth or upbringing; this means that they are turning their backs on their homeland when they choose to spurn the USMNT. Exceptions are made only for first generation Americans, and even then, I'm none too happy about letting you slide.
4. Eurosnobs go out of their way to register their disdain for the American game. This little doozy of a trait can take many forms; internet message board postings, calls to American-based soccer radio shows with European hosts, comments placed on various well-known soccer blogs, etc. There are exceptions to this rule, and many Eurosnobs are closeted, but more often than not the true Eurosnob wants the world to know that he's better than us because he chooses to ignore American soccer.
There are, of course, many other traits that Eurosnobs exhibit both individually and collectively: These are just a few. Although all of these things make the Eurosnob vile, disgusting and abhorrent, it's the effect he has the is most distressing.
Often, those that cover and discuss soccer in this country will wonder how a nation with a population of 300 million can essentially ignore the sport en masse. At the same time, they wonder why MLS television ratings are so low, and why those for international tournaments are so much higher. The answer is obvious, and more than likely you know at least a few soccer fans who contribute to this divergence.
Eurosnobs, more than the ignorant American sports fan, more than the arrogant close-minded newspaper columnist/talking head (I'm looking at you Kornheiser), more even than the soccer parents who frustratingly ignore the professional game, are the nemesis of the sport in America.
So here is the call to action. Call it "Save a Eurosnob 2009". If you know someone who wears an England shirt but speaks with a New England accent; sit them down and tell them about the grit of Deuce and the potential of Jozy. If you know someone from DC who wakes up every Saturday morning at the crack of dawn to watch Man U play but can't find the time to watch the DC United on Comcast Sportsnet HD (HD PEOPLE! IT'S COMCASTIC!); buy them a beer and tell them about Tradition and La Barra Brava. If you know any soccer fan anywhere that puts in the time to follow any of the European leagues or who roots for Italy or Spain or whomever because their great-grandmother was from there; please, PLEASE, for the future of American soccer, for the future of the MLS, for the condition of my heart, and for all that is great and sublime in this soccer-loving world, inform them that they are a Eurosnob and that they need help. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.
I will conduct interventions by request as my schedule allows.
That is all.
